Letter

Dear Mrs ******,

         Being a teacher is perhaps one of the most important jobs there is. A teacher is a magician, a miracle worker, a friend, a guidance counselor and perhaps most importantly, someone who sees the potential and greatness in very pupal and doesn't give up until that potential is realized and reached. This job isn't meant for the faint of heart or someone with low patience. You unfortunately have both.

This letter is so long in the making and is something I wish I had written back before you retired. But here we are and now it's time. I know you wouldn't recognize me now, there's no way. I'm so different from the fourth grader you once knew. Thank goodness for that. I was such a fearful and small creature back then, I wouldn't go back to that person for anything. You certainly didn't help the situation any, if anything you made it much worse. But I doubt you'd see it that way if you remembered anything at all. But facts are still facts regardless, and the fact stands that you impacted my life in such a powerfully and even horrifically negative way that I still can't forget.

I honestly don't remember much of my fourth grade year, it's all a blur for the most part, but there are a few faces and event's that are as clear to me as though they happened yesterday. I remember a sweet, mentally handicapped child named Hannah, a bully and you. Although you belong in the bully category as well. I used to think that adults couldn't be bullies, couldn't be cruel, but you are proof that is far from true. In fact, you are the second nastiest person I've ever had the misfortune to know.
I don't understand to this day why you hated me so much, why you belittled me and made me feel so small and worthless. I was a child, and you took advantage of my naivete and thus created the most powerful memory of fear and shame that I have.

I remember it was clear out, I sitting by the window watching a bird and daydreaming. You were constantly accusing me of being 'spacey' and doing it in a manner that was unnecessary. I remember the hard stiffness of the chair and the feeling of desk pressing into my stomach. It was uncomfortable, with a straight back and no contours in the seat. I remember that stupid worksheet you'd given me to work on and I remember not understanding how to do it but being too afraid to ask for help. I believe at some point the rest of the class must have finished the assignment because you pulled me aside with this expression on your face I'll never forget. I don't even know if there are words to describe it but it transformed your face into something ugly.

Then you took me to the 'interrogation room', that small side room that was attached to the class room that you primarily used for small group sessions. It smelled strongly of windex, the whole room smelled so sterile and closed off. How fitting then because that's what it felt like. I felt so small at that moment, weak. Like a lamb to the slaughter. I knew I was in trouble though I didn't fully understand why. The rest of what transpired was you becoming increasingly more frustrated and annoyed with me and me trying not to cry. Then, what happened next has haunted me up until this point. You informed me with careful precision and delicately chosen words that I was stupid and I wouldn't never amount to anything...ever.

So here I am, 24 years old, a college graduate and living successfully on my own and I'm still having nightmares about that day. It's not fair or right, but your face and voice always manage to make a reappearance whenever I'm about to make a big decision or do anything that scares me. So for that...fuck you. You don't have that right to belittled or shame anyone. You don't have to right to judge or tell children they're not good enough. You are a perverted version of what a teacher should be.

Perhaps you hated me because in me you saw the truth; that you'd never be a good teacher and you lacked the creativity, kindness and a true inspiring power that a real teacher possesses. Because after I left that school I learned what a real teacher is. Those individuals are nothing like you. They are open to all students, they are excited and passionate about knowledge and helping everyone reach the stars. To them learning isn't just about what the state or even the government deems worthy of being taught. It isn't all about the test or the text book. They are interested in new ideas, progression and expansion. They encourage all forms of learning and differences. It isn't all about tests and memorizing. It's about using that knowledge and creating a better thinking individual who helps to mold and shape the future. You didn't teach me anything. You certainly didn't inspire me. All I really remember is feeling like nothing, less than nothing, and being so ashamed and sad. You did that. You had no right.

So, here I am at a time in my life where the road is open and the possibilities are endless and you can't take that from me. I may not have it all figured out but I know this....it's mine to decided and mine to create. I know I'm no fool nor am I stupid and damn you for poisoning me with self doubt and fear for so long. I know I'll never forget and maybe one day I'll forgive you, but for right now I'm going to content myself with reminding you of a little girl that you tried to break who is anything but broken now.