Letter

Dear Mrs ******,

         Being a teacher is perhaps one of the most important jobs there is. A teacher is a magician, a miracle worker, a friend, a guidance counselor and perhaps most importantly, someone who sees the potential and greatness in very pupal and doesn't give up until that potential is realized and reached. This job isn't meant for the faint of heart or someone with low patience. You unfortunately have both.

This letter is so long in the making and is something I wish I had written back before you retired. But here we are and now it's time. I know you wouldn't recognize me now, there's no way. I'm so different from the fourth grader you once knew. Thank goodness for that. I was such a fearful and small creature back then, I wouldn't go back to that person for anything. You certainly didn't help the situation any, if anything you made it much worse. But I doubt you'd see it that way if you remembered anything at all. But facts are still facts regardless, and the fact stands that you impacted my life in such a powerfully and even horrifically negative way that I still can't forget.

I honestly don't remember much of my fourth grade year, it's all a blur for the most part, but there are a few faces and event's that are as clear to me as though they happened yesterday. I remember a sweet, mentally handicapped child named Hannah, a bully and you. Although you belong in the bully category as well. I used to think that adults couldn't be bullies, couldn't be cruel, but you are proof that is far from true. In fact, you are the second nastiest person I've ever had the misfortune to know.
I don't understand to this day why you hated me so much, why you belittled me and made me feel so small and worthless. I was a child, and you took advantage of my naivete and thus created the most powerful memory of fear and shame that I have.

I remember it was clear out, I sitting by the window watching a bird and daydreaming. You were constantly accusing me of being 'spacey' and doing it in a manner that was unnecessary. I remember the hard stiffness of the chair and the feeling of desk pressing into my stomach. It was uncomfortable, with a straight back and no contours in the seat. I remember that stupid worksheet you'd given me to work on and I remember not understanding how to do it but being too afraid to ask for help. I believe at some point the rest of the class must have finished the assignment because you pulled me aside with this expression on your face I'll never forget. I don't even know if there are words to describe it but it transformed your face into something ugly.

Then you took me to the 'interrogation room', that small side room that was attached to the class room that you primarily used for small group sessions. It smelled strongly of windex, the whole room smelled so sterile and closed off. How fitting then because that's what it felt like. I felt so small at that moment, weak. Like a lamb to the slaughter. I knew I was in trouble though I didn't fully understand why. The rest of what transpired was you becoming increasingly more frustrated and annoyed with me and me trying not to cry. Then, what happened next has haunted me up until this point. You informed me with careful precision and delicately chosen words that I was stupid and I wouldn't never amount to anything...ever.

So here I am, 24 years old, a college graduate and living successfully on my own and I'm still having nightmares about that day. It's not fair or right, but your face and voice always manage to make a reappearance whenever I'm about to make a big decision or do anything that scares me. So for that...fuck you. You don't have that right to belittled or shame anyone. You don't have to right to judge or tell children they're not good enough. You are a perverted version of what a teacher should be.

Perhaps you hated me because in me you saw the truth; that you'd never be a good teacher and you lacked the creativity, kindness and a true inspiring power that a real teacher possesses. Because after I left that school I learned what a real teacher is. Those individuals are nothing like you. They are open to all students, they are excited and passionate about knowledge and helping everyone reach the stars. To them learning isn't just about what the state or even the government deems worthy of being taught. It isn't all about the test or the text book. They are interested in new ideas, progression and expansion. They encourage all forms of learning and differences. It isn't all about tests and memorizing. It's about using that knowledge and creating a better thinking individual who helps to mold and shape the future. You didn't teach me anything. You certainly didn't inspire me. All I really remember is feeling like nothing, less than nothing, and being so ashamed and sad. You did that. You had no right.

So, here I am at a time in my life where the road is open and the possibilities are endless and you can't take that from me. I may not have it all figured out but I know this....it's mine to decided and mine to create. I know I'm no fool nor am I stupid and damn you for poisoning me with self doubt and fear for so long. I know I'll never forget and maybe one day I'll forgive you, but for right now I'm going to content myself with reminding you of a little girl that you tried to break who is anything but broken now.

Let Go

I was fired from my job on Saturday July 20th 2013, roughly around 4:30pm. I was fired because I wasn't meeting my numbers. In the company of Dillard's every associate has a personal sales goal and when they fail to meet that goal, the reasons don't matter, Dillard's will first decrease the associate pay and if that doesn't inspire them to become more aggressive/work harder then termination is the next step.

This was my first 'real' and serious job after being in school pretty much all my life. I knew it wouldn't last forever, I knew that eventually I'd move on and do something else.....but I had set a goal. To last one full year there, one year and if I managed to make it there longer than that would be good too. I was hired August 8th, 2012 and if they had just waited a few more weeks I would have made it.

Since it happened I can't seem to sleep, or at least not restfully. Even though the job wasn't perfect and there were policies that I really disagreed with and ways the company did business that made me so angry, I still took a lot of pride in my work. I learned so much about myself, my skills and talents and in general who I am as a young professional. So, I can't begrudge Dillard's for that.

However, I can dislike them for the way the treat their employees. And I do. I think it's wrong and backwards.

I was so fortunate to have a boss/manager that I really clicked with. He and I will hopefully remain friends for a very long time. And some of my co-workers I really got on with too. I miss that aspect of it. The social interactions and the making people happy. I made friends with some of the customers and I made quite a few of them laugh too. I helped to create an environment that even I'd want to go shopping in.

So, this is my way of coming to terms with what happened and allowing myself to not feel guilty that I didn't meet my goal or embarrassed that I was fired. I'll get another job, and probably another and another after that. I might have ten million different jobs by the time my life is over but what matters is...that's okay. Because change isn't bad and this was a change that needed to happen. Even if I wasn't emotionally ready for it, it was time.

I'm going to make it through this, because that's what I do. I get by.

Good girl

I'm not a stickler for rules but I follow most of them. I don't do drugs but I don't necessarily frown on doing them. I haven't been intimate with anyone in a while but that doesn't mean I think being sexual or sexuality is wrong. I don't drink but that doesn't mean I snub my nose if you do. I say 'ma'am' and 'sir' as well as 'please and thank you' to people because it's polite and not because I live in the south.
I get up early so I can eat a proper breakfast so I can function at work and not because I like getting up early. I leave early so I can arrive on time because it's rude and disrespectful to arrive late.
I was raised to be conscientious, courteous and considerate. So, naturally, I behave as such.

I'm not a good girl. I'm a good person. Being a good girl implies things to me that I don't believe I fit. I'm not innocent, but I can be naive sometimes. I'm not going to brake a rule if I agree with it. I question things I don't agree with and ask questions to understand why something is the way it is. I believe everything we do and say matters so we need to act accordingly.

I'm not perfect, far from it, but I do try to be the best I can be. I want to be liked, admired and respected but I also will be true to myself regardless if others approve. Approval can be tedious and boring just as rejection can be painful and harmful. 

Don't call me a good girl and don't call me a bad girl. I'm not really either. I'm just me. I'm not 'good' because I follow rules anymore than I am 'bad' for swearing or wearing black nail polish. I'm just me.

I'll probably write more on this topic later but for now I just want to communicate that 'bad' and 'good' are foggy terms with meanings even more muddy.

If your actions are going to end in yourself or someone else being affected in a negative way then it's probably a 'bad' thing to do. Our actions are what define us and I want my actions to say positive things about me. What do your actions say?

fresh start

Hi. It's been far too long since I've done anything with this blog, and because of that I'm sure no one is reading this or checking in anymore. Which is fine and fair. I haven't posted anything in such a long long time that I couldn't possibly blame anyone. Anyone other than myself perhaps.

So, why am I posting now, especially after such a long absence? Because it's time. I need to do this, I need to start this again. I need a fresh start, a place to think again, to rant and rage if I wish, a place to put down thoughts and idea's. This blog was supposed to function as that place. But I lost interest and now here I am again. Interested in trying again. It feels like I've been in a coma for a long time, like I've been under water. But now I'm here again and if no one reads this but me that's fine. This isn't about anyone else right now. It's about me and being 'reborn' again. I've always loved writing and for so long now the voices that usually inspired me have been silent. I have no idea why, but they've come back alive and they're hungry. So, they sent me here.

So, here I am again. There's a new chapter in my life, I've graduated from college, I'm working full time and I need a mental escape. I need this blog and so here I am. This is the start to a fresh new chapter.

Welcome back to me. It's been so long.

I'm a horrible daughter

As the title suggests I'm a shitty daughter sometimes.
Today is the birthday of a very important person in my life: my father. And because I suck....I forgot it was his birthday. I feel really bad about this so allow me to apologize:

I'm so sorry pops, you always remember my important day and it's totally unfair of me to forget yours. I'm sorry.

Je t'aime pops, I'm sorry I forgot your special day........I will make it up to you!

xoxo's
your sometimes shitty leader

Benedict Cumberbatch...........funny name, gorgeous creature....

This is most beautiful man in the world----->

he plays "Sherlock" in the new and improved BBC version and I think he's sex on legs.....and that's funny because I don't even swing that way!

I don't know what it is about him but I think he's divine. Maybe it's the posh richness of his baritone British accent, or perhaps it's his height ( he's insanely tall) or maybe it's the almond eyes that aren't blue or grey or green but a combo of all three...it might be the combo of pale, pale skin with that shock of dark curly hair.......whatever it is.......Benedict Cumberbatch is so pretty it makes even totally gay girls like me drool just a little. Would I shag him....no, I'm queer to the core, but I still can admire a beauty regardless of their sex/gender.

If you don't watch the BBC's "Sherlock" then go watch it and then you'll understand.

RIP Reid Oliver

         Allow me to preface this article by saying that I am not an avid soap opera watcher. I don’t have the time, I don’t own a television, and I find the melodramatic storylines ridiculous and absurd. Now with that said, I have a confession to make. I have become embarrassingly attached to one soap opera in particular: As The World Turns on CBS. In my defense I never watched the show until just recently when something rather ground breaking happened: two gay characters were added and thus As The World Turns became famous for having the first gay teen couple in soap opera history.  I know it doesn’t sound all that impressive, I mean who cares, right? So they have a gay teen couple, big deal, only, it is when considering the gay population of the world feels really excluded from the general media.  Speaking as a member of that excluded community, I can tell you I felt intrigued and very curious with the direction these characters would take.

So I watched whenever I could, and I have to admit I was disappointed with what the writers did. The two characters, Luke Snyder and Noah Mayer, went through hell, and a lot of the dysfunction and obstacles they faced always had something to do with their sexual orientation. I understand the point behind soap opera’s, they’re supposed to be insanely melodramatic and ridiculously suspenseful, but at the same time I felt a twinge of aggravation at the fact that boys’ screen kisses usually ended up being interrupted or were cut so short as the camera would faze out or would cut away just as they were about to kiss so that their actual lip lock time was extremely limited in comparison to that of the straight characters. Everyone knows that part of a romantic relationship revolves sex; well perhaps someone should inform the writers on CBS, because Luke and Noah had virtually no sex life. They cuddled, snuggled, shared gentle caresses and gazed loving at each other, but as for sex, there almost none. There was only one time when it was implied that they had slept together, the camera focused in on a bed with rumpled sheets and then zoomed out to show the boys leaving the bathroom together with wet hair and towels. Perhaps I should have been grateful for at least that much, but when I realized that the straight couples were constantly bed hoping and in heated lip locks, I was upset.  

After a while, I grew bored with the characters and the constant drama that they went through. There came a point when the chemistry went dry and so for a while, I stopped watching. One day over this past summer, I was bored and thought maybe I check back in and that’s when I was confronted with a pleasant surprise: a new character had been added and after hearing some of his dialogue I was thoroughly intrigued. Reid Oliver was snarky, clever, somewhat rude, confident, a successful neurosurgeon, attractive and gay. Unlike almost all of the other characters on the show, he wasn’t related to anyone, he wasn’t anybodies long lost son or brother or a dirty secret from someone’s past…he was entirely unique. I think the part I liked best about him was that he made fun of how everything was so dramatic on show while he was in character. I admired him for being unapologetic for who he was and for his clever sarcastic humor and for not fitting a stereotype. He was basically the gay version of Dr. House and he gave the show some serious spice.

  Reid Oliver became Luke Snyder’s new love interest as Luke and Noah had recently broken up, yet again, and the sparks between them were intense. Both characters played off of each other perfectly; the sexual energy between them was intoxicating and when they finally kissed for the first I was delighted. I soon found out that As the World Turns was going off the air this fall after a 54 years and I knew that writers were trying to wrap up the show and all its many tangled story lines as quickly as possible.   

So, in a span of a few weeks three dramatic things happen: Reid Oliver was in competition with another character for a position as the medical chief of staff at the hospital on the show, his rival finds out he has a serious heart condition that he chooses to ignore and Luke realizes he’s fallen in love with Reid. While drama ensues I started paying attention to the physical interactions between Luke and Reid and I realized that they were almost identical to that of Luke and Noah, that is to say their kisses and all other sensual and flirty dialogue and body language was cut to a minimum.

             To be blunt, the ending sucked. Reid’s competition is landed in the hospital has his heart condition goes worse and then it turns out he needs a new heart. Reid decides he’s going to get a new heart for him, confesses to Luke that he loves him, gets in his car and ends up stalling on railroad tracks with a speed training heading right for him. Of course, Reid then is in critical condition and just before he goes brain dead he and Luke have an incredibly sad farewell and one last kiss and then Reid signs over his heart to his rival. A lot of people have asked why I’m so upset with this ending, they see it as a beautiful thing that Reid would do something so compassionate as to give over his own heart to someone in need…..and it is, but what frustrates me is the relationship mirrors that of Luke and Noah which was so restrained and tightly controlled compared to the heterosexual romances on the show. Luke and Reid never got to have sex, their kisses were limited and constantly being interrupted and just after Reid and Luke both acknowledged their love and respect for each other…Reid dies. On the final show, every heterosexual character was in partnership with someone, but Luke was alone and mourning, and as lame as this sounds, I actually cried.

            I know soap opera’s are what they are for a reason: because if real life were like a soap opera then we’d all be insane. They’re fun and trashy to watch, a guilty pleasure of many and a way to escape reality. I get that, that’s one of the reasons I got hooked myself. I was just hoping that the writers would perhaps be more evolved in their views of what it means to be gay and living in a world where virtually everything seems to be against us. The media is full of subtle and not subtle ideals of what kind of ending gay people have verses everyone else, we don’t seem to get happy endings very often. I guess in my naivety I thought that this soap opera would be bold enough to help change that…..I was wrong. I wrote this for two reasons: I wanted to give my perspective on what happened to this wonderful and very dynamic character. In my opinion, killing Reid off was a cowardly and lame thing to do, which brings me to my second reason. I wanted to say goodbye to him, lame and weird sounding perhaps, but having him die felt like losing someone I was close to. It hurt. I was attracted and attached to what he represented to me: a strong outspoken gay man who never apologized for who he was.  That to me is worthy of admiration and remembrance. So, even if you don’t know who Reid Oliver is, or have never seen As the World Turns, I hope you will recognize what he represents: another brave, outspoken and fearless gay person to be cut down by a homophobic society. Rest in Peace Reid, I won’t forget you.     

                                                       

Meet Oakdale's sexiest and snarkest doctor: Reid Oliver.....my hero!